Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Pour some sugar on me while you still can


By Jacob Bennett

If this sugar shortage is a real thing, I owe you an apology.

I just put, like, eight packets of sugar in a medium coffee. Plus some half and half. And this was just a light blend; don’t ask how much sweet stuff I use for the rich blends at CafĂ© Du Monde.

But if U.S. food companies are telling the truth, someday there could be no sugar tonight in my coffee (or in my tea): A few weeks ago the companies wrote a letter to the U.S. Agriculture Secretary warning that the country could “run out of sugar.”

I get most of my info from Kristi Lee at the “Bob & Tom” news desk, but the Wall Street Journal also wrote about this. Apparently, the food companies want the U.S. government to ease import quotas that artificially inflate blah blah blah disrupted trading patterns blah blah tariffs blah zzzzz…

Sorry. Needed more coffee to wake me up.

The Journal said one company has already raised prices on Kaiser rolls, hamburgers and hot dogs, all of which include sugar. On the bright side, at least now we know one ingredient in hot dogs. I mean besides hog wiener.

During my five minutes of research while borrowing Panera Bread’s Internet, as I also flirted with my waitress--in hopes she would one day give me some sugar--it sounded like there might be enough sweetener for the U.S., if we would just allow it into the country. But it also sounded like they may already be out of sugar in India. And I saw a movie once where giant mutant ants with the power to brainwash humans conquered a sugar refinery in the Everglades…if that’s happening again, that could also put a dent in our sugar supply.

Maybe, just to be safe, we should cut back on sugar. Maybe the next time I have a medium coffee, I could try just seven packets. I read somewhere, perhaps the Washington Post or bobandtom.com, Americans eat too much sugar anyway—22 teaspoons per day. That’s way more than the nine teaspoons men should ingest; women are only supposed to get six.

Yet more proof that boys go to Mars to get more candy bars; girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.

Ahem. Don’t tell my waitress I said that.

So at this rate of sugar consumption, we’ll get all those diseases sugar can cause, such as tooth decay, obesity, blah blah blah diabetes, blah blah early death, blah zzzz…

Sorry. Coffee me.

All I’m saying is, let’s be careful. If we do all get sick, we definitely don’t want to be out of sugar.

What would we take a spoonful of to help the medicine go down?

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