A day in the life of a guy who's unemployed again

By Jacob Bennett

4:30 a.m. Awakened by the rustling of roommates as they get ready for work. Think, “I should get up too. This is the day things are gonna happen for me!”

10:15 a.m. Get out of bed.

10:20 a.m. Search for my “good pair” of sweatpants to wear while walking the dog.10:22 a.m. Wonder if any of these desperate housewives will be impressed by my sweatpants.

11: a.m. Check the progress of my Al Gore beard.11:03 a.m. Frustrated that I can’t play the first bridge of “Uncle Salty” on “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith,” I hit the practice mode.

11:45 a.m. Nail the bridge, butcher the rest.

1 :02 p.m. Five stars, suckaz!

1:45 p.m. Turn on the computer to look for work.

1:47 p.m.: See if anything’s going on on MySpace.

2 p.m. Open my first job-search site.2:03 p.m. Realize my skill set leaves me with the same prospects as “Morse code tapper.”

2:04 p.m. Back to MySpace.

2:15 p.m. Let the schnauzer chew on the spare Mogwai. Notice they both have floppy ears.

2:45 p.m. Decide there were worse things to buy with my nest egg than Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.

3:10 p.m. Realize I waited too long to find my own insurance policy, so for at least a month I’m going to have to pay COBRA. Wish G.I. Joe would defeat them already.

4:06 p.m. Watch a stray cat roam the field outside my window. Decide if he’s not gonna complain about life, neither am I.

5 p.m. Look up the name of the actor who played “Blue” in “Old School”—Patrick Cranshaw. Realize he also played the hobo in “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.” You’re welcome.

5:01 p.m. Field call from little brother, who, when he learns I was studying up on Blue, says, “God, your life sucks.”

9:30 p.m. Mauling folks at poker. Put out the host of the party, twice. He buys back in and says, “Give me some of your chips.” I say, “Beat me.”

11 p.m. He beats me.1 a.m. Game over, we hit the clubs.1:30 a.m. After a close call, decide that getting in bar fight might not be as glamorous as I’d envisioned.

4 a.m. Finally head for home.

4: 25 a.m. While having trouble falling asleep, wonder what I’m gonna do tomorrow.

4:27 a.m. Think it might be fun to live in Florida for a while.4:28 a.m. Wonder if I could even find a place there, given my ratio of pets to paychecks.

4:29 a.m. Decide maybe it’s worth a look.