Grab your best buds, Mary Swanson's Samsonite briefcase, and/or your ornery orangutan sidekick—we're going on a road trip.
We pretty much have to, if we're going on vacation this year. I know, these days gas costs more per gallon than Coke, bottled water and the Hope Diamond. But it's still cheaper than the price of flying, which has gone up like a jet airliner.
Flying used to be a good way to zip across the country quicker than Hiro from "Heroes." You would take off in one town, land a bit later in another, and skip all the boring parts in between. It was like the Cliff's Notes version of America.
But now that flights are being cancelled a thousand at a time, it's possible you'll be stuck in an airport just as long as it would take to drive there. At least my car seat reclines.
And when you drive, you don't have to worry about pesky little things like your wing falling off, which really happened in Maryland a couple of months ago.
And you don't have to wonder what good is a seat that doubles as a flotation device when your whole flight is over land.
Plus, I have had it with these $%!!! snakes on this $&*!!! plane!
Nothing's more American than a good old-fashioned road trip.
You roll down the window, turn the iPod to "Eastbound and Down," and sing along as you eat up inches on the map.
Besides the occasional crazed hitcher, there's only one downside: Most of the countryside is boring.
For every place like the skyline of New York, the City That Never Sleeps, there's the horizon of Iowa, the State That Puts You to Sleep.
For every Pacific Coast Highway, there's the Arkansas gravel interstate highway.
For every Panama City Beach, there's a Panama City.
It used to be if you wanted to see America's charms, you could take back roads through quaint little towns all the way down the map. But now all you get is an endless loop of McDonald's, Walgreens and Auto Zone stores.
So now it's almost vacation time, and I can't decide where to go.
I considered going West, but it takes a really long time to drive the van through Nebraska.
I thought about going to Intercourse, Penn., but I didn't know if there'd be anything fun to do there.
Maybe I'll go to Texas, where the stars at night are big and bright.
(You guys were supposed to clap and finish that verse.)
You might say I'd have more options if I took the friendly skies, but I say the possibilities are endless on the open road.
And my orangutan can ride shotgun instead of in the cargo hold.
We pretty much have to, if we're going on vacation this year. I know, these days gas costs more per gallon than Coke, bottled water and the Hope Diamond. But it's still cheaper than the price of flying, which has gone up like a jet airliner.
Flying used to be a good way to zip across the country quicker than Hiro from "Heroes." You would take off in one town, land a bit later in another, and skip all the boring parts in between. It was like the Cliff's Notes version of America.
But now that flights are being cancelled a thousand at a time, it's possible you'll be stuck in an airport just as long as it would take to drive there. At least my car seat reclines.
And when you drive, you don't have to worry about pesky little things like your wing falling off, which really happened in Maryland a couple of months ago.
And you don't have to wonder what good is a seat that doubles as a flotation device when your whole flight is over land.
Plus, I have had it with these $%!!! snakes on this $&*!!! plane!
Nothing's more American than a good old-fashioned road trip.
You roll down the window, turn the iPod to "Eastbound and Down," and sing along as you eat up inches on the map.
Besides the occasional crazed hitcher, there's only one downside: Most of the countryside is boring.
For every place like the skyline of New York, the City That Never Sleeps, there's the horizon of Iowa, the State That Puts You to Sleep.
For every Pacific Coast Highway, there's the Arkansas gravel interstate highway.
For every Panama City Beach, there's a Panama City.
It used to be if you wanted to see America's charms, you could take back roads through quaint little towns all the way down the map. But now all you get is an endless loop of McDonald's, Walgreens and Auto Zone stores.
So now it's almost vacation time, and I can't decide where to go.
I considered going West, but it takes a really long time to drive the van through Nebraska.
I thought about going to Intercourse, Penn., but I didn't know if there'd be anything fun to do there.
Maybe I'll go to Texas, where the stars at night are big and bright.
(You guys were supposed to clap and finish that verse.)
You might say I'd have more options if I took the friendly skies, but I say the possibilities are endless on the open road.
And my orangutan can ride shotgun instead of in the cargo hold.
Columnist Jacob Bennett can be reached at jacobmbennett@hotmail.com or on the CB handle Rubber Duck.
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