Gamma Radiation Makes Life Dumb and Dumber

From the Meade County Messenger, January 2006

By Jacob Bennett

It's a good thing Rick Jones didn't drive his jeep onto the base when it was my turn to test my gamma bomb.
My doctor says I'm stressed and need an antidepressant. Stress hadn't occurred to me—I thought it was bird flu, not a case of The Shining.
I thought it'd be funny to make a list of everything that stresses me out during the day. But it turns out I would have needed five columns just to name the things that would make me Hulk Out before I get to work, starting with the sound of my clock alarm.
Deep breath, here goes…
* At least let me get my hair rinsed before the water goes cold.
* Sophie, this way, Sophie. No, this way. This way. Sophie!
* Come on, Cleveland, we just need 10 yards.
* If you want to make a payment, press one. For our billing address, press two. If you'd like to speak to a customer service representative, press three.
* Due to a higher than usual volume of calls, current wait time is 20 minutes. (They say that stuff every time.)
· * "My Name is Earl" will not be seen tonight due to a special 90-minute episode of "Biggest Loser."
· * What's the deal with airplane peanuts?
* "Jacob, so-and-so made me so mad at work today. Listen to this…"
· * All my CDs skip as if they were on Jam Master Jay's turntables: "She just loves my big 10 inch recor—rec—rec—recrecrecrecrecrec."
· * I wish I wasn't always wearing these gray sweatpants every time I see hot girls walking their dogs. Not only do they think I'm gay for walking a mini schnauzer, but I'm the Gay Guy Always Wearing Those Gray Sweatpants.
· * Amount due: $154. Peak hours overage: 80.
· * Why doesn't Joey Porter get penalized for picking a fight with the other team before every Steelers game? Geez!
But doc says an antidepressant might make me feel better. That sounds like a good idea. Actually, I just saw a commercial for it during "Dumb and Dumber" (Right before I flipped out—why couldn't they just get on the bus?!).
There'd be a low risk of sexual side effects (no harm there). And seizures. And, my antidepressant might make me depressed. And possibly suicidal.
But the people in the commercial looked so unstressed. And gamma-free.
Columnist Jacob Bennett is gonna try anything that just feel better. Tell him what to do at jacobmbennett@hotmail.com. You know he can't see through the haze around him at myspace.com/jacobmbennett. And he'd do anything to just feel better.