Yukon Cornelius Won't Find Silver and Gold Here

Like the year I accidentally left reindeer poison on my roof, I ruined Christmas again this year.
There went my life savings, whisked away in a preseason wager that the Browns would win four games. Plus I used up all my money moving back to the area.
Now we can't buy wedding rings as Christmas presents.
I said, But isnt better that we can live closer to our families, and we're only a couple of hours apart while you finish school, and I'm not stuck in a job doing stuff I don't like? Wouldn't you rather have that than a couple of big diamond rings?
Turns out Gollum would rather have her Precious.
She also wouldnt mind some food, but theres not much of that to go around either.
Who ever heard of a skinny Santa?
Fortunately my parents come from Catholic families, so there was procreatin aplenty back in the day, which means therell be plenty of people to whip up some grub on Christmas morn.
I plan on feasting like a dingo in a maternity ward.
These days I cant even afford to write my own jokes.
I'm not that upset about not being able to get my wedding ring just yetits not like I've once, ever, complimented one of my poor-slob married friends on their matrimonial finger adornments. Much less asked them to try it on. Or cried silently in my room, jealous tears streaming down my face.
But I think I know how my old lady feels. My parents recently bought a big-screen TV, or stole a screen from the Movie Palace. Now when I go home to my tube, its like watching an Etch-a-Sketch.
I don't even know why my parents have that TV. There's no cable at Bennett Ranch, and the three networks are fuzzy because Dad manipulated the antenna to get diamond quality reception for KET.
Well, your little brother really liked the TV, and you know how I am when you kids want something, Mom explained.
Do I? I used to watch a 15-inch TV with foil-covered rabbit ears. When I wanted to change the channel, I had to get up and twist the knob.
Then I had to leave the room, because Critters was just too scary for a high school kid.
Who knows what my folks would have thought about the scary creatures in the Lord of the Rings movies, or how they would have suggested I save money for wedding presents this Christmas (that might be the best segue in history).
Looks like I'm gonna be searching for a bargain from here to Mordor.
The issue here is not whether columnist Jacob Bennett broke a few rules or took a few liberties with his female party guests -- he did. But you can't hold a whole fraternity responsible for the actions of a few sick individuals. For if you do, then shouldn't we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn't this an indictment of our educational institutions in general? He puts it to you, Greg ... isn't this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do what you want to him, but hes not going to sit here at jacobmbennett@hotmail.com and listen to you badmouth the United States of America!