P.S., Time and Temperature Lady, I love you

From the Meade County Messenger, Nov. 10, 1999

I was only looking for the time and temperature, but I think I found love.

With the wacky climate that can be found only in Kentucky, I couldn’t tell from looking out my window the other day what clothes I should wear. Yesterday I wore a fleece shirt with insulated long johns, but the day before I wore a tank top and some hot pants, so I couldn’t decide. And since it was too much effort to crack the window to feel for myself, I called the only person the Lazy-Guy-Who-Can’t-Decide-How-to –Dress-in–the-Morning can trust – the Time and Temperature Lady.

As the words “Eastern Time: 7:38; Temperature: 52 degrees” rolled off her tongue, I couldn’t help but notice how hot she sounded. I wanted to meet her. I wanted to have coffee with her, or take her to see The Story of Us, starring Bruce Willis, a man to whom we all owe a huge gratitude because he saved the planet from that asteroid last year.

I might not have even minded paying for her ticket.

It was then that I realized I don’t know anything about her. Who is she? Where is she from?

She sounds friendly enough, wishing me a good morning or afternoon, depending on whether I call her before or after noon. I don’t know what she would wish if I called at exactly noon. I wonder how old she is? I can’t really tell, but she sounds like she’s just the right age (no, Uncle Bert, I don’t mean 18, ya big perv).

I’ll bet she’s smart, but not in a 4.0, I’ll-bet-you-know-how-to-spell-“aerodynamics” kind of way. I can tell she has plenty of common sense. Whenever I talk to her on the phone, she’s always offering me practical, real-world advice like, “Never miss an important call with call waiting from the Brandenburg Telephone Company” or, “Take all the hassle out of borrowing money with First State Bank.”

I’m amazed that she has time to find such useful service, between helping citizens choose the right outfits. I wondered if she can play the guitar, or likes men who play the guitar. I doubt it – I bet she realizes playing the guitar is just a cheap way to get chicks (sorry, I’m just jealous ‘cause it works).

I wonder what she likes to do for fun, and what kind of movies she likes. Does she think "Happy Gilmore" is as touching as I do? I’ll bet she likes flowers, especially chrysanthemums. In fact, I’ll be she loves to frolic in a chrysanthemum meadow in ankle length dresses, singing Bon Jovi’s “Bed of Roses” because there aren't any good songs about chrysanthemums.

Does she want to cry as much as I do when she listens to “Last Kiss”? Does she worry about the rain forest? Who does she call when she’s trying to decide what to wear in the morning?

I would love to get to know her better. I started to ask her this stuff myself, but she had already hung up. I wanted to call her back, but I know she had other people to help