Canned heat downriver

--From the Evansville Courier & Press and the Meade County Messenger

So I headed over to Target to watch an old college buddy shop for underwear that comes in three-packs. Man panties, he called 'em.

"I can't believe you dropped everything to shop with us," my friend's wife said. "Well, I wouldn't say I dropped everything," I replied. "I put down some Girl Scout cookies."

Sure, it wasn't as exciting as the time I accidentally set myself on fire in his dorm room, but it was fun. I'm glad I'm living in Kentuckiana again, a couple of hours downriver from Brandenburg, where my cousin used to relieve himself in the Ohio.

It's fun having someone to quote "Napoleon Dynamite" dialogue with. "Too bad, she said she doesn't want you here when she gets back because you've been ruining everybody's lives and eating all our steak." "Hey, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day."

If I was still living in Mississippi, as I did for most of last year, I couldn't have put on some pants and headed over to Target to hang out with my old college buddy, who lives in Huntingburg, Ind. And I couldn't have watched the Super Bowl in Irvington, Ky., about 10 minutes from my folks. All of my high school friends were there -- both of them -- except for Unreliable Levi, who once again didn't show.

I guess we call him Unreliable Levi for a reason.

(In fairness, he was working that day. I reckon one man's Unreliable is another's Dedicated Employee.)

I saw my parents twice over the holidays, which equalled the number of times I saw them last year -- when I was moving to Mississippi, and when I was moving back. Now I see my old friends all the time.

I guess I should make new friends here, but that's a lot of trouble. Plus, I'm in the Witness Protection Program, and my agents want me to keep a low profile.

Somehow on our shopping trip, my buddy mentioned that he usually walks around the house in just his boxers. Fair enough. It's his house. But then he told me that wearing only boxers "can be painful when I'm frying bacon."

I had to take a "Crying Game" shower.

Now that I'm living close by, the only problem is I don't have time to visit everyone. This weekend I might visit my Uncle Rico. Peace out.

Nothing left for columnist Jacob Bennett to do but dance off these bad times he's going through just dance! Hey, got canned heat in his heals tonight, baby, you know know know he's gonna dance, yeah, off all the nasty things that people e-mail at jacobmbennett@hotmail.com.Dance, come on got canned heat in his heals tonight, canned heat in his heals tonight.