Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Pour some sugar on me while you still can


By Jacob Bennett

If this sugar shortage is a real thing, I owe you an apology.

I just put, like, eight packets of sugar in a medium coffee. Plus some half and half. And this was just a light blend; don’t ask how much sweet stuff I use for the rich blends at Café Du Monde.

But if U.S. food companies are telling the truth, someday there could be no sugar tonight in my coffee (or in my tea): A few weeks ago the companies wrote a letter to the U.S. Agriculture Secretary warning that the country could “run out of sugar.”

I get most of my info from Kristi Lee at the “Bob & Tom” news desk, but the Wall Street Journal also wrote about this. Apparently, the food companies want the U.S. government to ease import quotas that artificially inflate blah blah blah disrupted trading patterns blah blah tariffs blah zzzzz…

Sorry. Needed more coffee to wake me up.

The Journal said one company has already raised prices on Kaiser rolls, hamburgers and hot dogs, all of which include sugar. On the bright side, at least now we know one ingredient in hot dogs. I mean besides hog wiener.

During my five minutes of research while borrowing Panera Bread’s Internet, as I also flirted with my waitress--in hopes she would one day give me some sugar--it sounded like there might be enough sweetener for the U.S., if we would just allow it into the country. But it also sounded like they may already be out of sugar in India. And I saw a movie once where giant mutant ants with the power to brainwash humans conquered a sugar refinery in the Everglades…if that’s happening again, that could also put a dent in our sugar supply.

Maybe, just to be safe, we should cut back on sugar. Maybe the next time I have a medium coffee, I could try just seven packets. I read somewhere, perhaps the Washington Post or bobandtom.com, Americans eat too much sugar anyway—22 teaspoons per day. That’s way more than the nine teaspoons men should ingest; women are only supposed to get six.

Yet more proof that boys go to Mars to get more candy bars; girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider.

Ahem. Don’t tell my waitress I said that.

So at this rate of sugar consumption, we’ll get all those diseases sugar can cause, such as tooth decay, obesity, blah blah blah diabetes, blah blah early death, blah zzzz…

Sorry. Coffee me.

All I’m saying is, let’s be careful. If we do all get sick, we definitely don’t want to be out of sugar.

What would we take a spoonful of to help the medicine go down?

Monday, October 05, 2009

Life proceeds at Swift pace for 17-year-old country singer


By Jacob Bennett
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Evansville Courier & Press
Photo by Andrew Orth

Taylor Swift said many artists get a couple of days to soak in their first victories at the CMT Music Awards.

She had eight hours.

The next day she had to take her high school junior year final exams.

"You've got to get back to reality, I guess," said Swift, the 17-year-old budding star whose song "Tim McGraw" won the award for breakthrough video.

"They haven't given me the results yet. I'm sure I passed."

That's because she studied hard on the bus, in hotel rooms, at airports, as she traveled to festivals, radio appearances and concerts opening for the likes of George Strait.

Now she's on tour with Brad Paisley, the chart-topping singer-songwriter-picker-grinner who was here in 2005 with Sugarland and Sara Evans. Paisley headlines a show tonight at Roberts Stadium.

In addition to Swift, this time Paisley brings former "American Idol" contestant Kellie Pickler and Jack Ingram, a longtime underground country musician who has lately been making a mainstream push -- he's the guy who covered Hinder's rock ballad "Lips of an Angel." He opened here last year for Sheryl Crow.

Swift said she's keeping the promise she made two weeks ago at the CMT Awards: She's bringing the belt buckle-shaped trophy for her customary post-show signing.

She said she doesn't usually get nervous, but there was someone at the after party who made her feel awe -- Jon Bon Jovi.

"He told me that he liked my music and I just about fell over," she said. "I've never known a world without Jon Bon Jovi. Think about it. I was born in 1989. He's a serious icon. I've always looked up to him for his writing, for his performing, for being the first rock star that smiled."

One star she hasn't met is Tim McGraw, the namesake of her breakthrough hit. "I would probably just say, 'Hey, it's nice to meet you,' and see who brought up the song first."

Between tour dates, Swift is about to start squeezing in recording sessions for her second album. She's written 40 songs that will be under consideration, she said. More of them are upbeat than, say, current single "Teardrops on My Guitar," but not all of them.

"My favorite thing to write about is loneliness and sadness," she said. "There's definitely a taste of that on there."

She's going to miss out on her senior year, but she went to high school for two years before leaving this year. She said she went to two proms and made lots of friends, so she got a good taste of the experience.

"I'm not walking away from something that's a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity," she said. "I hope things continue to go the way that they have."

Dierks Bentley: Grill for the Thrill headliner competes at a higher level


Courtesy The Green Room PR
Country singer Dierks Bentley will perform Saturday night at Roberts Stadium.

By Jacob Bennett
August 9, 2007
Evansville Courier & Press


Three years after his first gig in Evansville, Dierks Bentley is back as a headliner riding a string of top-10 hits, and he still thinks of himself as an underdog.

Wait ... what?

"We're underdogs all over again because we're headlining our own shows and competing against Rascal Flatts and Kenny (Chesney) and (Toby) Keith and (Brad) Paisley," Bentley said. "We've kind of got the underdog status again, and we're working hard to change it."

Bentley is capping off this year's Grill for the Thrill celebration with a Saturday night show at Roberts Stadium, a co-headlining engagement with Gary Allan, a critical favorite and chart topper.

Bentley was just waking up and grabbing some coffee on his tour bus in Sweet Home, Ore., when he phoned to talk about the show.

His first headlining tour comes at a time when critics say country music leans toward pop rock. Although he's had a pretty much uninterrupted run at the top of the charts since "What Was I Thinkin'" debuted in 2003, Bentley could have placed himself above that criticism by pointing out his collaborations with bluegrass artists such as the Del McCoury Band. But he didn't.

"People who complain about Merle Haggard not being on the radio are really living in a different day and age," he said.

"Everyone has their own take on what country means, and all I can do is concentrate on what we do and try to reflect what I think it means.

"For us, it's trying to take some of that old spirit of the gods like Johnny Cash and do it in a contemporary, modern, younger way. That's all we worry about."

That sound includes loud bass, steel guitars and bluegrass influences.

Bentley said he will be in the studio in September to record for his next album. As he tries to stand out in a crowd of country's biggest stars, he will be guided by advice from members of the Del McCoury Band, who are still picking after more than 40 years.

"One thing I learned from those guys was don't try to compete with anyone or trash anyone," Bentley said.

"Your only competition should be the instrument in your hand."

Carlin brings observational bite to Victory

By Jacob Bennett
Evansville Courier & Press
September 16, 2005

Some people wring their hands when they think about the end of the world. George Carlin roots for it.

"The message is, this is a hopeless deal; it's funny, and I watch it for the humor," said Carlin, 68, on the phone this week from his home in California.

"It's out of balance. The world's like that, and the country's like that. It's not a sin to know that and say that. But I just kind of stay separate from the drama and just kind of talk about it the way I see it."

The decline of the human species has kept Carlin busy for almost 50 years now, from the "Tonight" show with Jack Paar to dozens of comedy shows a year to memorable turns in movies such as "Dogma" and "Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back."

And he's not slowing. He's stopping in Evansville on Sunday as he gears up for his 13th HBO special, "Life Is Worth Losing," which will air live Nov. 5. The paperback version of his latest bestseller, "When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?," which was banned from Wal-Mart shelves last year, will hit stores next month.

You probably won't agree with everything said by the guy whose "Seven Dirty Words You Can Never Say on Television" routine helped the U.S. Supreme Court figure out what is too indecent for broadcast. But he doesn't really want you to.

"People should come to their own conclusions, and I should be one of the people they're allowed to hear in informing their own conclusions," Carlin said.

"I would think they would want to fall somewhere between what a person like myself would say and what they're told to do. People are told what to do, what to buy, what to think and what to feel, what to believe. It's better if they hear more than one version."

The aftermath of Hurricane Katrina proved Carlin's contention that Republicans in government have gotten rid of the "welfare state" to the detriment of their ability to help citizens in need, especially such as those in New Orleans who were too poor to flee.

"How can you cut FEMA's budget when you keep telling people, `It's a yellow alert,' `It's an orange alert,' and `Increased chatter; we're hearing al-Qaida chatter?'" Carlin said.

"If that's not a federal emergency that needs to be managed, Federal Emergency Management Agency, then there ain't any others.

"This guy (former FEMA director) Mike Brown was recommended by an old college buddy who said, `He's a good guy.' `OK, let's put him in there.' It's amateur night; it's just amateur night."

Once Carlin's latest HBO show is done, he'll go through the 2,800 files in his computer and start putting together another special, piece by piece. He has enough source material: Humans don't realize they're destroying their own habitat and "circling the drain."

"The planet lives through everything," Carlin said.

"It'll be fine. We'll be gone. That's OK, too."

"It's just another species. The dinosaurs had it once."

Ronnie Milsap was planning to study law; Ray Charles had other advice



By Jacob Bennett
Evansville Courier & Press
Photo courtesy of Splash! Photography
Thursday, August 23, 2007

In the early 1980s, Ronnie Milsap's record label encouraged him to tilt his country songs toward pop. The result was 40 No. 1 country singles, which puts Milsap behind only George Strait and Conway Twitty.

It was a spectacular string of success for a talented piano player who, because of congenital blindness, had been encouraged to pursue a more stable profession than music. Milsap hasn't had a No. 1 hit in a few years, but he's still recording and still doing what he loves even more than that — performing live.

He's scheduled to play shows Friday and Saturday at Casino Aztar.

He called the Courier & Press last week to talk about having too many hits to play at once, recording with Elvis Presley and how Ray Charles changed his life.

Q: When you play two shows in a town, do you change the set lists up?
I do change them up. A lot of times, we will make a set list, we'll talk about it before the show, and sometimes two or three songs into it we tear the set list up because somebody makes a request. We've got 40 No. 1 songs, and we cannot play them all. We've devised a couple of medleys. They're very inclusive. It plays a couple of minutes of one song and it backs up into a couple of minutes of another song.

Q: Do people ever request songs the band doesn't know?
There have been a couple of those. There was one I eventually got to playing, "The Future Is Not What It Used to Be." (When fans request an obscure song), they may not get the whole band, but I can play it at the piano.

Q: When you're having a record-breaking streak of chart success, do you realize it at the time?
It's kind of like Chet Atkins told me one time. I asked, "How in the world did you plan on all those dates out on the road and produce 30 artists and be the executive head of RCA here in Nashville?" He said, "Ronnie, I honestly didn't even think about it. I just did it."
Even if you just look at the schedule, it looks so overwhelming.

Q: This week is the 30th anniversary of Elvis' death. You recorded with him, didn't you?
I never, ever thought in my lifetime I would get to meet Elvis; he was just the voice in my radio speakers that was just magic. I wound up in Memphis (in 1969) and he wanted me to play on the sessions. He thanked me for hitting that high note on "Kentucky Rain." He wanted some thunder, so I used that left hand of the piano to create that thunder. He pretty much wanted what he wanted on the sessions, and we did it.

It was interesting to be around him because he was the voice of my generation. I got to find out what a sweet, very generous, down-to-earth guy that he really was. It was just like you and I talking right now. He died way too early.
There have been so many people like that that have come through your life. I was told it would be impossible for a blind guy to make it in the music business: "You'll wind up out on the street; you'll fail; you'll be a liability to the state."
When I was 20 I got into a concert and I got to meet Ray Charles in his dressing room. I said, "I love music but I'm on scholarship to study law." He said, "Well, play me something."
There was a piano in the dressing room. I said, "You're the high priest. You're my hero," I played him these three songs. He said, "Well, you can be a lawyer if you want to. But there's a lot of music in your heart. And if I were you I would follow what my heart tells me to do." From then I really started to find a way to make a living in the music business.

Q: You said your record company encouraged you to chase pop success. Which is more pop: country music then or now?
There are folks that have gone way beyond anything that I did. There are some country artists that are pushing the edge of the difference between country and pop music.
You can stay inside the country format today and sell multiplatinum. There was a time when you could not do that. I think every generation speaks for itself and they should. They should have the chance to speak for themselves.
I think there are a lot of good artists that are really setting the woods on fire.

Dragon-taming drifter seeks cubicle work

By Jacob Bennett

I just can't click "send."

I've been staring at this cover letter for an hour now, desperately wanting to be done so I can get back to my busy schedule of taking online quizzes to determine which plastic army man I am (“bazooka guy”) and brainstorming names for fantasy football teams (“Legal In Sweden,” “Infant Sorrow,” “Dos Equis Guy”).

But unlike the Dos Equis Guy, who could disarm you with his looks or his hands, I’m terrified of sending this correspondence onto its journey into the ether.I would be perfect for this job, and getting it could literally change my life--leading to more money and new, preferably attractive office friends. But if this letter contains so much as a misplaced comma, that’ll put a period on the whole deal.

When there are so many other people like me, out of work and living off your generosity, I can’t afford to blow a good deal.

According to Chicagobusiness.com, the Chicago Tribune recently laid off another 20 percent of its staff, despite just hiring a spokeswoman, who declined to comment.

The few places that are hiring post ads like this:
Are You The Next Great Writer/ Blogger /Journalist Of Your Generation! - (100 Positions Open).

And on job.com, if you search the media/arts section, you get results for “sandwich artist.”

Ah, well, unemployment has its perks: three days in New Orleans, three weeks in Florida, two big chores done at once (cleaning the house and washing the car—get it?).

I’ve finally got time to write that terrible novel that’s been knocking around in my head, and I often did so at a bar on the Florida shore.

The bartender recognized me. “What kind of job do you have that you can just hang out in a bar on the beach all day?”

“I’m unemployed.”

“Me too! I’m a realtor. This guy over here’s laid off too.”

Good times. To keep them rolling, I might go to Vegas next week, if everyone would hurry up and tell me they’re not interested.

But Mom says that’s crazy, that I should just go ahead and get me a job that pays well and has steady hours, full benefits and the opportunity to advance.

I’ll get right on that; maybe they’re hiring down at the Unicorn Farm.

If so, I’ve got just the cover letter.

It uses anecdotes to demonstrate my awesomeness, such as the time I had to get an astronaut on the horn moments before liftoff and the time I tamed a wild dragon and rode it into battle to save some orphans from an army of mutant wildebeests. I also attach references.

I bugged ex-co-workers to read over the letter for the 50th time, just to make sure I didn't miss anything. We tweaked the beginning, middle and end, but each fix brings a potential mistake that could move me one step closer to living in a van down by the river.

But my homeys said the letter looks OK, and I think it looks OK, so I’m just gonna slap on the salutation and send it along. With any luck, I’ll be up to my ears in benefits and discounted unicorn meat.

Deep breath, here goes…click.

Aw, geez.

I hope I spelled her name right.

A day in the life of a guy who's unemployed again

By Jacob Bennett

4:30 a.m. Awakened by the rustling of roommates as they get ready for work. Think, “I should get up too. This is the day things are gonna happen for me!”

10:15 a.m. Get out of bed.

10:20 a.m. Search for my “good pair” of sweatpants to wear while walking the dog.10:22 a.m. Wonder if any of these desperate housewives will be impressed by my sweatpants.

11: a.m. Check the progress of my Al Gore beard.11:03 a.m. Frustrated that I can’t play the first bridge of “Uncle Salty” on “Guitar Hero: Aerosmith,” I hit the practice mode.

11:45 a.m. Nail the bridge, butcher the rest.

1 :02 p.m. Five stars, suckaz!

1:45 p.m. Turn on the computer to look for work.

1:47 p.m.: See if anything’s going on on MySpace.

2 p.m. Open my first job-search site.2:03 p.m. Realize my skill set leaves me with the same prospects as “Morse code tapper.”

2:04 p.m. Back to MySpace.

2:15 p.m. Let the schnauzer chew on the spare Mogwai. Notice they both have floppy ears.

2:45 p.m. Decide there were worse things to buy with my nest egg than Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs.

3:10 p.m. Realize I waited too long to find my own insurance policy, so for at least a month I’m going to have to pay COBRA. Wish G.I. Joe would defeat them already.

4:06 p.m. Watch a stray cat roam the field outside my window. Decide if he’s not gonna complain about life, neither am I.

5 p.m. Look up the name of the actor who played “Blue” in “Old School”—Patrick Cranshaw. Realize he also played the hobo in “Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure.” You’re welcome.

5:01 p.m. Field call from little brother, who, when he learns I was studying up on Blue, says, “God, your life sucks.”

9:30 p.m. Mauling folks at poker. Put out the host of the party, twice. He buys back in and says, “Give me some of your chips.” I say, “Beat me.”

11 p.m. He beats me.1 a.m. Game over, we hit the clubs.1:30 a.m. After a close call, decide that getting in bar fight might not be as glamorous as I’d envisioned.

4 a.m. Finally head for home.

4: 25 a.m. While having trouble falling asleep, wonder what I’m gonna do tomorrow.

4:27 a.m. Think it might be fun to live in Florida for a while.4:28 a.m. Wonder if I could even find a place there, given my ratio of pets to paychecks.

4:29 a.m. Decide maybe it’s worth a look.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

That's What I Said: Top 10 Episodes of "The Office"


Clearly I put my brainpower to lofty pursuits. In honor of the new fifth-season DVD, I was trying to determine my 10 favorite episodes of "The Office." It was really hard, but this was what I came up with.

1. "The Injury"--Dwight with a concussion, Michael with a foot burned on a George Foreman grill (in bed). The scene where they take Dwight to Meredith's van, and then the ride to the hospital, made me laugh as much as anything ever.

2. "Business School"--Michael's speech is great, the bat is great, and I almost cry every time I watch Michael visit Pam's art show.

3. "Beach Games"--funny episode, but the thing that gets me is Pam walking across the hot coals, and then her big speech.

4. "Office Olympics"--the games are classic ("Flonkerton"), and Michael's buyers' remorse after he buys the condo is classic: "Nobody cares about your stupid beet farm."

5. "Branch Wars"--probably the least realistic good episode of the series, but nothing beats Michael, Dwight and Jim in fake mustaches. Michael is so goofy in this episode, too--love the phone calls he makes to Utica to lure Karen's top salesman, and then when he tries to trade Toby for Stanley ("He's smart, and you can train him...Yech, I can't do it, that was a bluff. Toby is the worst").

6. "Dunder Mifflin Infinity"--two of the best stories of the series--Dwight's John Henry-esque race against the Web site (Angela even breaks his heart at the end!), plus Michael and Dwight trying to win back customers with gift baskets, the perfect gift (except cash baskets).

7. "Casino Night"--Mostly because of Toby's list of reasons why they shouldn't invite a Boy Scout troop to casino night.

8. "The Inititiation"--the deleted scenes actually knock this one into the top 10. Love Ryan's pretend speech to his mom about his 10-year plan as he's walking through the pasture after Dwight abandons him on the farm. Also, the best deleted scene of all time: Michael and Stanley sitting outside together on Pretzel Day.

9. "The Client"--Michael getting drunk with Tim Meadows, then going in with the killer sales pitch = amazing. I believe this is also the one where they act out Michael's screenplay.

10. Ugh, tough call here. I'm gonna go "The Negotiation," where Dwight saves Jim from Roy, and where Michael shares an uncomfortable ride to New York with Toby and Darryl ("It's been a weird day..."). This one barely edges out "Drug Testing," because of Dwight's speech about his ancestors as he resigns after Michael talks him into helping him cheat on his drug test (that was also a great conversation: "Yes, in a cup. We're not animals, Dwight"). Another contender was "Email Surveillance" and the karaoke scene at the end.

My honorable mentions: three episodes of Season 1 ("Health Care," "Basketball," "Hot Girl"), "Sexual Harrassment," "Blood Drive," maaaaybe "Lecture Circuit, Pt. 1," but I need to see it again. Suggestions from facebook included "Diversity Day," "The Dundies" and "Booze Cruise" came up several times.

So, really, this was a top-20 list, a tribute to how good it's been over the years. As my friend Angie put it, "I love this show and all that it is. But at this point I will give you all that I have if you would just get my husband to stop saying 'That's what she said.'"

Friday, March 13, 2009

Mini lion vs. mini schnauzer: place your bets

By Jacob Bennett

My roommate’s cat is hunting my dog.

Daisy is always watching my little buddy, peeking around thehouse plant, or lurking in the shadows of the sofa, or staring from her perchon top of the bed. Once, in the middle of the night, she nudged open my door, saw that I was awake, and backed away. And the other morning, as I got readyfor work, I heard her sharpening her claws on a scratching post, like Carl readying his weapon near the climax of “Sling Blade.”

The truth about cats and dogs is they can’t be friends. I knew this. But Sophie and I were basically strays, until my roommate from the‘Burg and his common-law fiancée took us in. I thought our pets could forge an uneasy truce, like when Brisco County had to work with Bowler every week.

Nope.

And it’s not going to be a fair fight.

At 12 pounds, Daisy’s only a little lighter than my miniature schnauzer—five pounds less, to be exact. I know because my roommates just weighed her at my request, which I’m sure will only make her madder. Daisy is a rescue, adopted after she was discovered on the street, shivering in the snow, cold and hungry, but surviving.

Sophie is also a rescue—I found her online, stranded in abasket of puppies. I’d like to think buying her was akin to sponsoring a hungry Third World child.

Sophie probably started the rift the first day we were here,when she chased Daisy under the bed. She doesn’t know why she must feel like that—why she must chase the cat. But she never posed any real danger.

She’s just a goofy little terrier, bigger than a football,too big to fit in a purse, in accordance with man laws. Years of breeding and evolution have left her with no survival skills except relentless adorability. On a toughness scale from Clint Eastwood to Clay Aiken, she’s about a John Mayer.

She forgot all about the feud, once Daisy was out of sight.She went back to trotting obliviously through the house, thinking about bones or balls or biscuits.

Daisy didn’t forget.

The thing about cats is, they tolerate people, and they’ll eat food from people because it’s free. But they’re hunters, and their thirst for blood is so great, they play with their prey before eating it. Unlike dogs,which are just furry little street bums, cats like to kill.

Really, cats are just miniature lions.

And when a mini lion takes on a mini schnauzer, I know whereto place my bet.

I just watched a thing on National Geographic where seven lions ganged up and tried to kill an elephant. They just dug in and held on…

It was awesome.

But I wouldn’t wish it on my little snow pea.

Unfortunately, Sophie’s gonna end up like that elephant. The situation came to a head the other day, when her back was turned.

Daisy crept out from the shadows, padding across the carpet likea ghost in the darkness. When she was inches away, shrieked and pounced, Montecore-style. She didn’t stop flailing until my roommates pulled her offstage.

From then on, the food chain was back in the latch. Sophie feels the need to stand at a safe distance, in a doorway, when begging for food. Daisy marches through the house like General Sherman in Atlanta.

This story doesn’t have an ending, but like “Sling Blade,” it really only has one logical conclusion.

Daisy just keeps watching Sophie. Watching and waiting, hoping for that perfect moment when she can go in for the kill.

I think she also gave me a sinus infection on my birthday.

Unemployment's not cake; frogs aren't dinosaurs

By Jacob Bennett

If this gig in Louisville didn’t work out, the horizon would be as bleak as the surface of the moon.

I’d been cool hand Luke for the first couple of weeks since I’d lost my job, especially since I got three interviews right away.But now it had been a month. I was feeling fragile as a glass menagerie, and this was the last gentleman caller unafraid of my pleurisy.

If they didn’t want me, I would have to give back my house and move in with my parents and die homeless and penniless and 20 pounds overweight, and no one would ever love me.

For a life so full of new possibility, I was out of possibilities. I was fighting with 11 million unemployed people for what little was left.

It’s a helpless feeling when nobody needs the part you make, or wants the food you bake. The mailman still brings the bills. I learned to cut costs: layer up, thermostat down. Cable off. Don’t eat out unless it’s on a co-worker with survivor’s guilt. There's always more shampoo in the bottle.

I needed my savings to buy time. I always say, when life hands you lemons, change everything about yourself.So I turned down one job because the drive was too much and the pay was too little. Much to my parents’ chagrin, I probably would have rejected another job that paid decent but wasn’t what I wanted to do. I never had to make that choice, because that offer never came.

I wanted to work in Hawaii or Nashville or one place in Indy, just because they asked for my favorite movie quote (I ended my cover letter with "good talk, son," but almost went with "Nice try, Lao Che").

But even before my old job relieved me of my post, Kentucky beckoned. And since the Playboy Mansion wasn’t looking for a pool boy, this last prospect in Louisville was the kind of thing I wanted to try. After two interviews and a personality test and some ACT-type questions, I didn’t want to leave without a job.

I also wanted the answer to this question:
Frog: dinosaur :: whale : ___
a. mouse
b. fish
c. bird
d. snake

I think I put fish, but I can’t defend the answer. I googled it just now, and nobody else knows either. But I digress.

Another lesson came the day they said they’d make their decision: staring at the phone doesn’t make it ring any faster.

But it can be worth the wait.I’m back on a payroll, before the Indiana Department of Workforce Development could process my first claim. Thanks for the help, guys.

Not that I’m complaining. Every day I take the Gene Snyder Freeway or Preston Highway or Breckenridge Lane or one of those roads I used take back in the day on trips to Louisville, always on the way to something awesome.

First, I had to drive back to Indiana to knot some loose ends. As I traveled the highway through downtown Louisville, the river was murky and the sky was gray. But that one tall building and that other tall building and that one hotel were all lit up in the night, just like this side of the moon.

Maybe the answer is mouse.

Sunday, December 14, 2008

Life As a Country Song

By Jacob Bennett

I was vacationing in New York to forget my divorce the day they laid me off, and as I walked down the sidewalk a homeless guy asked me for change.

I ignored him, of course—I believed he would buy booze with it—but on the ground a few yards past his slumping body, I spotted a $5 bill.

For a moment, I left it there. But a friend convinced me to do the right thing: pick it up, walk over to the beggar, and hand him the money.

And I instantly regretted it.

After all, I realized: I'm just as unemployed as that guy.

My life has become a bad country song. Or maybe, a good one.

I'm a sad-sack statistic, one of more than a half a million people who lost their jobs in November, one of more than 10 million folks out of work now.

At least, execs assured me, the decision to can me wasn't based on performance. If letters of recommendation were paychecks, I wouldn't be eating Ramen noodles tonight.

I decided to stay in New York as scheduled and put some fun on my MasterCard. It costs $50 to see Joel McHale from "The Soup," but running into Lonny Ross from "30 Rock" on the sidewalk: priceless.

I'm going to have to pay that credit card bill with a government unemployment check, so I guess that means I'm no better than the AIG executives who spent $450,000 of their bailout money on beach resort facials.

But, hey, cut us some slack--that's chump change compared to the billions spent in that housing bailout. The one that offered no relief whatsoever when I told my bank I might have a hard time paying my mortgage in a couple of weeks.

At least I'm not alone, but the statistics don't tell you what the heck you're supposed to do next.
I've got plenty of material for that book I'd finally have time to write, if work hadn't repossessed my company computer.

So now I'm using library Internet like a hobo.

The rest of the time I've been off, I've taught my dog to go out for a football play-action pass, but she needs to work on selling the run.

I also set a record for consecutive days wearing sweatpants.

It's kind of scary, not knowing what I'll do or where I'll live or if I'll be able to find a rich older woman to take me in.

Until I figure it out, maybe that guy on the sidewalk will lend me $5.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Wing and a prayer or a highway to hell






Grab your best buds, Mary Swanson's Samsonite briefcase, and/or your ornery orangutan sidekick—we're going on a road trip.

We pretty much have to, if we're going on vacation this year. I know, these days gas costs more per gallon than Coke, bottled water and the Hope Diamond. But it's still cheaper than the price of flying, which has gone up like a jet airliner.

Flying used to be a good way to zip across the country quicker than Hiro from "Heroes." You would take off in one town, land a bit later in another, and skip all the boring parts in between. It was like the Cliff's Notes version of America.

But now that flights are being cancelled a thousand at a time, it's possible you'll be stuck in an airport just as long as it would take to drive there. At least my car seat reclines.

And when you drive, you don't have to worry about pesky little things like your wing falling off, which really happened in Maryland a couple of months ago.

And you don't have to wonder what good is a seat that doubles as a flotation device when your whole flight is over land.

Plus, I have had it with these $%!!! snakes on this $&*!!! plane!

Nothing's more American than a good old-fashioned road trip.
You roll down the window, turn the iPod to "Eastbound and Down," and sing along as you eat up inches on the map.

Besides the occasional crazed hitcher, there's only one downside: Most of the countryside is boring.

For every place like the skyline of New York, the City That Never Sleeps, there's the horizon of Iowa, the State That Puts You to Sleep.

For every Pacific Coast Highway, there's the Arkansas gravel interstate highway.
For every Panama City Beach, there's a Panama City.

It used to be if you wanted to see America's charms, you could take back roads through quaint little towns all the way down the map. But now all you get is an endless loop of McDonald's, Walgreens and Auto Zone stores.

So now it's almost vacation time, and I can't decide where to go.
I considered going West, but it takes a really long time to drive the van through Nebraska.

I thought about going to Intercourse, Penn., but I didn't know if there'd be anything fun to do there.

Maybe I'll go to Texas, where the stars at night are big and bright.
(You guys were supposed to clap and finish that verse.)

You might say I'd have more options if I took the friendly skies, but I say the possibilities are endless on the open road.

And my orangutan can ride shotgun instead of in the cargo hold.



Columnist Jacob Bennett can be reached at jacobmbennett@hotmail.com or on the CB handle Rubber Duck.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Fighting on




FIGHTING ON

MODEL KEEPS SWINGING HER WAY INTO THE RING, DESPITE SETBACKS


Date: Thursday, July 31, 2008 Section: Metro Page: A1 Edition:


Source: JACOB BENNETT, Courier & Press staff writer, 464-7434 or bennettj@courierpress.com

Photography by SERGE GIACHETTI, Courier & Press staff photographer


The world went black, as if someone pulled the plug on a TV, and Kanna Domangue crumpled to the mat.


A trainer, medic and cameraman rushed to the 26-year-old woman.


Just moments before, they'd watched Domangue, a part-time model, pound a punching bag at Big Bully Mixed Martial Arts Center, pausing every so often to catch her breath. She'd pressed on even as she wondered which of her health problems would get her this time.


Domangue's been fighting since the fourth grade, when a classmate pulled out her hearing aid --she's fought against childhood tormentors, allergies and stress-related hives and, later, endometriosis, a condition that can cause crippling menstrual pain.


Now Domangue has another fight. Her body was going through a change similar to menopause after having a hysterectomy. She had signed up for a mixed martial arts
reality show to push the limits of the body that had both tormented her and given her a second chance. She couldn't let her health beat her again.


From the floor, Domangue read the medic's lips: "Do you want to get up?"


She nodded. She didn't know what was wrong, but she knew what she had to do: keep punching.
HHH


A few weeks before, Domangue faced a full-length mirror, after putting on a skimpy outfit for her gig as a mixed martial arts ring girl. She didn't see the olive complexion, dark hair and dark eyes that make photographers call when they need an "exotic" model.


She saw cellulite on the back of her thighs.


She yelled at her boyfriend, John Gauer, when he said he didn't see it.


Her reaction isn't shallow. Before she became a gorgeous grown-up, she was the kid picked on by classmates. She was called "radio ear" and mocked for a lisp that turned "specific" into "pacific" and "pizza" into "pisa."


She also feared post-hysterectomy hormones were making her gain weight. She stopped taking them, which meant risking hot flashes, headaches and increasingly brittle bones.


As she worked the fights that night in late May, she already was planning to step into the ring again for a different reason: Gauer's cousin, Jeff Osborne, had invited her to try out for the second season of his locally produced mixed martial arts reality show "FIGHT SKOOL."


On the show, Osborne and several fighters teach average people the punches, kicks and grappling techniques that define their sport. The culmination is a big November fight night at the Evansville Coliseum.


Osborne invited Domangue because, he said, he knew her looks, health problems and back story would make great TV: She is the oldest child of divorced teen parents, and she came to Evansville with little more than a green Ford Mustang and the dog she'd adopted after Hurricane Katrina.


"I'm fighting for myself," said Domangue. "Fighting, I was mentally used to it; now, I'm going to put it in physical form. If I can get beyond my limits, I've done what I wanted to accomplish."
Osborne knew the odd number - Domangue and the six other women - posed a problem. Before pairing them off for an Aug. 9 show, he would have to cut one of them.
HHH


When FIGHT SKOOL is in session, the Big Bully isn’t a pleasant place to be. Body heat collects in the air like in a parked car on a summer day, and the smell of sweat fills the nostrils like a salty ocean breeze.


Forty people showed up for the tryout June 7, roughly the same number as last year. But this group was in better shape and more confident. Nearly two months after the first tryout, more than 30 contestants remained - twice as many as the same time last year, when Osborne didn't have to make a cut.


Eight quit during the first day's tryout in 2007 - driven away by the same workout Domangue was about to endure.


It was a 45-minute marathon of sprints, rope-jumping and grappling against experienced fighters.


The pros call it a decent warmup. For those without training, it's so brutal that the training staff tapes hand-written signs on the garbage cans: "Puke Here."


"You'll pass out before you die," trainer John Turner told the contestants.


Domangue handed her hearing aid to Gauer, then started a drill that required her to jump a rope and then roll under it. She struggled to catch her breath.


During the six-minute punching bag workout, she had to stop. She staggered, and dropped to the floor.


But she would not let her health beat her. She opened her eyes, and read the trainer's lips. Of course she wanted to continue.
As soon as she got to her feet, she resumed swinging.


Cameraman Cody Cannon tracked her down at the end and asked, “Are you ready to fight?”
“Very,” she said, and pretended to box the camera.


A few minutes later, she ran to the bathroom and vomited.
HHH


Long before the punching bags and the hysterectomy, Kanna Domangue was little 5-year-old Kanna Antill.


Her grandmother, Mary Antill, thought she was stubborn because she would keep walking after being told repeatedly to come back.


She simply hadn't heard.


Kanna was living in Lodi, Calif., where her mother followed her aunt to the first of many different homes around the country. A prekindergarten screening discovered the hearing loss.


Taunting later caused her to skip school dances and wear her hair down to cover her hearing aids. In sixth grade, she saw a TV show about a deaf boy and decided she shouldn't be ashamed anymore.


In 2005, she married Ron Domangue, a Marine she had first dated when they were in junior high in Louisiana. They split a year later, about a month before she came to visit family in Indiana.


While in town, she visited the Deerhead Sidewalk Cafe on East Columbia Street, where she met Gauer, a musician. He autographed a copy of his CD with his phone number.


She didn't call for three days. They talked so much the next couple of days that his ear hurt. Gauer, 36, told her he had three children and a bunch of debt.


She told him she sometimes thought about moving to Evansville to be with her mom, but she didn't tell him what she was about to do.


She was on the day shift as a phlebotomist at St. Elizabeth Hospital in Gonzales, La., where her father lives with his second wife. On her break, she called her mother in Indiana and asked if she could live with her.


Domangue apologized for giving short notice, and went home for some clothes and her dog.
She went to her mom's first, but that night, she stayed with Gauer. They haven't been apart since.


"I'd never done anything like that," Domangue said. "I just took a chance. I'm glad I did. Everything I wanted to do just took off, I guess because I got out of the box."
HHH


Two weeks after the tryout, Domangue did her first runway shoot at Icon, a nightclub on Green River Road. In a sea of big hair, short shorts, glittery makeup and dangling jewelry, she modeled four outfits.


Domangue's modeling career had picked up in Evansville. She was included on the 2008 Showme's calendar and modeled for an online retailer in Bloomington, Ind.


She had only a couple of drinks at the club, but they proved to be too much.


At the next day's "FIGHT SKOOL" tryout, as the group moved in a circle, practicing footwork and jabs, Domangue had to stop and stand in a corner, slightly doubled over, her hand clutching her heart.


The next exercise was worse: Four trainers used padded boards like baseball bats to hit an assembly line of contestants in the stomach.


Bare-chested guys gritted their teeth, doubled over or swore as they walked away, their six-pack abs red as wine.


Domangue says she probably shouldn't have gone through the line. She spent the next two days in bed, missing a runway show.
HHH


Of the seven girls in the competition, Osborne estimated Domangue's skills put her in the middle of the pack.


She didn't have the jujitsu grappling game of Marie Cartwright, or the boxing skills of Amber Asher-Jones or April Penrod, or the kicking ability of Renee Pennington. As they grappled on the floor, Cartwright put Domangue in a hold that caused her to "tap out" or give up.


Four weeks in, Domangue climbed into the ring to spar with Kim Lindsey, a 42-year-old grandmother who won her final match of the first season.


Domangue's ponytail bounced as she tried to land a jab or kick. She wasn't keeping her eyes up when she punched, and Lindsey landed a left hook on Domangue's nose.


"I'm sorry," Lindsey said.


"No, you're not," trainer David Overfield said from the side of the ring. "You're here to spar, not to play Barbie."
HHH


Domangue was willing to risk the hot flashes and fatigue and other uncomfortable results of her decision to stop taking her hormones, but Gauer was worried.


One day at work, when a doctor came in to buy some sharp clothes, Gauer asked his opinion on her decision.


The doctor’s advice was clear: She needed to resume taking the hormones immediately. She was too young to go through the changes that would be brought on without them.


She agreed, but she couldn’t shake her insecurity about the hormones’ side effects. In an effort to firm up her legs, she decided to roller blade from her house to the Pigeon Creek boat ramp and through the Greenway Trail that leads to Garvin Park.


She tried to pass a pair of girls who were walking down the ramp, and she lost her balance and flipped at least three times down the hill. Her right arm bent underneath like a chicken wing.


“Wow, are you OK?”“Practice makes perfect,” she said as she got up and skated on, trying to shake out the pain in her arm.


Soon, her broken wrist had swollen to the size of an apple.
HHH


The conversation with Osborne didn't go well, Gauer said.


Doctors said she would be in a cast for about four weeks.


She couldn't wrestle in the first "FIGHT SKOOL" show but could be ready before the November finale.


Osborne didn't say if Domangue would be eliminated but told Gauer to bring her by 15 minutes late for the next workout.


He needed that time to talk to the other contestants.


He asked the women who of them should be eliminated, but didn’t mention Domangue’s arm.
When she showed up in jeans and a neon pink cast, a cameraman was waiting for her and Gauer at the door.


Sometimes people make decisions easy on him, Osborne said.

"She's got a broken arm from rollerblading. Kanna's out."

All Domangue said was, "Can I come back next season?"

ROUNDING UP ANIMALS CHALLENGES ZOO





This was part of a 3-story package, but this one was the best.

GREAT LENGTHS GET CRITTERS HERE
ROUNDING UP ANIMALS CHALLENGES ZOO

Date: Sunday, August 3, 2008 Section: Metro Page: A1 Edition:
Source: JACOB BENNETT, Courier & Press staff writer
464-7434 or bennettj@courierpress.com
Photo by MOLLY BARTELS, Courier & Press staff photographer


The tree frogs came in the mail, shipped overnight in a plastic butter dish with air holes and a moist towel to keep them alive.


The jaguar arrived via plane to Chicago, then made the six-hour ride to Evansville in the back of a van driven by Mesker Park Zoo & Botanic Garden zookeepers Stacey Ellis and Jill Remington.


"The director at the time, Dan McGinn, he gave us a hammer and nails and said if we thought she was about to break out of the crate, just hammer the lid back down," Ellis said.


Was he serious? "Surely not. We don't know."


Deciding on an Amazon rain forest theme was only half the task in readying the new multimillion-dollar exhibit at Mesker Park Zoo. Finding the animals to fill it, securing them from other zoos, and getting them here was often a challenge.


The more delicate the animal, the better it probably is to pack it up and ship it overnight, said Erik Beck, the zoo's general curator.


Insects and frogs and even some small snakes can be mailed almost like medical equipment or samples, with labels that say "fragile" and "do not put near excessive heat or cold."


It cost about $30 to mail the new exhibit's giant waxy monkey frogs. Most animals smaller than monkeys can be shipped just like dogs or cats, and picked up at the ticket counter.


Shipping challenge
Many of the animals in Amazonia were picked up in vans, usually by one or two zookeepers looking for a chance to get out of the office, so to speak.


Those that came by air still faced a van ride as well, since only certain airports allow big animals to be shipped by freight.


It cost about $1,000 in February 2007 to ship Beliza, the then 1-year-old, 80-pound jaguar, from Boston to O'Hare International Airport in Chicago, Beck said.


Airport workers offered to use a forklift to move Beliza's crate into the van, but Ellis and Remington thought that would be too rough and scary for the big cat. Instead, they helped a couple of workers lift the crate into the van.


Beliza was quiet the whole ride, Ellis said.


Once they arrived in Evansville, most of the animals were quarantined in the vet building, which underwent a $540,000 renovation.


It had been one big room, designed to hold elephants, with a single air-changing unit for the whole building.


Now there are several rooms with separate air units, so if one group of animals is sick, the illness won't spread.


Beliza got her own space - two big stalls with two yards, one of which had a pool.
Zookeepers began moving the animals into Amazonia two months ago. The ones that were due for physical exams, such as the howler monkeys, were sedated before the move.


Beliza was awake for her move, made in a wooden crate that had once been used to transport a warthog.


Zookeepers put it in her stall, then added meat, and later a toy. Curiosity didn't kill the cat, but it did get the best of her.


"We got the door ready, guillotine-style, with a rope, and I acted all nonsuspicious," Ellis said. "She knew something was up. She paced for a little bit, then she went right in."